I always thought boundaries were an unkind thing

learn how I changed that and empowered myself

Author

Chris Thompson
November 14, 2023

LET’S GROW

Boundary setting is not something I was ever great at doing. Because of this, I have experienced a lot of narcissistic abuse. The typical thoughts going through my mind when I would set boundaries were: 

“I am being selfish.”

“I am telling this person I don’t care about them.”

“Am I going to lose them?” 

After a lot of therapy, I started to recognize that I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know what I wanted. The reason for this is,

 I would give up my needs for others and become what worked for them, instead of who I am.

Let’s go through each question I asked. First, I’ll give a quick reframe to help your mind accept the idea. Then let’s break down the truth behind it, in my experience. 

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🧠 Thought - I am being selfish. 

💡Reframe - I’m communicating my needs and deserve to have them met too.

Yes, in a way you are “selfish” but that word to be has been far too demonized. Selfishness to me is important up to a certain point. When you are never selfish, you never get your needs met. You also give in to the point of exhaustion. You deserve to have your needs met too. Now if your selfishness is consistently at the expense of others’ well-being, that’s another conversation. But, it’s ok to be selfish.

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🧠Thought - I’m telling this person that I don’t care about them. 

💡Reframe - I care deeply enough that I want to work to stay in their life, in a way that works for both of us.

Avoiding the tough boundary setting conversations may feel temporarily good, as it makes the other person happy. However, in the long term your uncommunicated needs not being met slowly builds resentment. That resentment will squeeze life, love, and happiness out of the connection. It’s toxic. So, instead of looking at it as you not caring, see it as you care so deeply to keep that connection that you are willing to have tough conversations to make sure the needs of both people are met.

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🧠Thought - If I set a boundary, I might lose them.

💡Reframe - If communicating my needs causes them to leave, it wasn’t a healthy relationship.

I am not going to lie to you; when I started to set boundaries, I lost a handful of people from my life. The simple explanation is that they were no longer getting their way and were angry about it. I was supplying something that worked for them. The issue is it wasn’t working for me. The even bigger issue is they didn’t know it wasn’t working, which was on me because I didn't communicate. Or, they just didn’t care - which meant they weren’t considering me.

 Ask yourself, am I ok losing someone that doesn’t consider me? 

If I could give you somewhere to start the work of shifting this mindset: start with your feelings of worthiness. I would expand on this, but it would take several more newsletters haha. So say this to yourself: “I am worthy of having my needs met too.”

When you have doubts, this can bring you to a more logical place. If you want to go more in depth on boundaries, shoot me an email and let me know.

LET’S DISCUSS

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How has your life and relationships improved since boundary setting?

Here are some of the the responses from Patreon supporters on Discord. Join us!

Be ok losing the people who don’t respect your boundaries

Don’t be afraid to stick up for your own values. This helps you live on your own terms.

A key to peace is being intentional with who get access to you

UPHOLDING boundaries is very hard. The more you do it the easier it gets. Allow yourself to develop that skill for your own peace.

LET’S LEARN

📕READ - boundaries - https://amzn.to/3uacLji This best selling book helps you take control of your life and learn when to say no

💻WATCH - Good boundaries free you - https://bit.ly/47pE4Vg This is an amazing TEDx Talk that breaks down the importance of boundaries.

🎧LISTEN - 5 boundaries to set in relationships and 3 ways to use them effectively - https://bit.ly/3slKIwW I have recently become a big fan of the way Jay Shetty explains things. This was immensely helpful to me

LET’S CELEBRATE

“I struggled for DECADES thinking I was a “loser” for not finishing my bachelor’s degree because that’s all I heard about growing up: “Go to school and get a degree”, not “what do you want to do?”, just “get a degree”. It didn’t matter what it was for. I have been back to school multiple times as an adult, I am a Licensed Esthetician AND a Registered Veterinary Technician, but I still have/had people in my life tell me that I needed to get a bachelor’s degree

. When my company started a program that pays 100% tuition, I almost didn’t sign-up, out of spite, but I realized that was still allowing their opinion to matter. I am 43 years old working full time and going to school yet again, because I want to….. and I could quit tomorrow without finishing and that would be ok.

”

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LET’S SHARE

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LET’S SMILE

ON PERSONAL NOTE

This week was a tough week. Overall just a mental struggle for several reasons I won’t burden you with. This is the nature of being.

Happiness and success is not linear as much as we would like it to be. Please take care with yourself when you are in a lull. It’s temporary and perspective giving. It makes the great days even sweeter.

🏊‍♀️ Just keep swimming.

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