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What is a boundary and why its IMPORTANT you set them
you are allowed to I promise
Chris Thompson
February 20, 2024
LET’S GROW
Conversations about boundaries have become much more front and center in recent years. Yet, if you are like me, it is very difficult to set them.
Also will be continuing this conversation in the Besties discord so join us! Tonight is also book club which is so much fun.
I have been doing a deep dive into a lot of the elements of boundary setting and I want to share what I found. Maybe it will help you get clarity and set boundaries like a boss. The first question is:
What is a boundary?
Boundary - Boundaries help you define what you are comfortable with and how you would like to be treated by others.
I explain it to myself as I am not demanding a certain behavior; I am explaining the standard of treatment I am comfortable with and giving them the opportunity to continue our interactions in a way that works for both of us.
I often would skip these conversations to maintain peace, but in reality I was just neglecting my needs for the needs of others.
Repeat after me: “My needs are worthy of discussion. I deserve the respect I give in return.”
Often Boundaries and Ultimatums get confused
A boundary is about you and your actions and an ultimatum is about controlling the other person’s actions. Here is an example:
Boundary vs Ultimatum
Boundary - When I don’t hear from you for several days it hurts my feelings. I need someone who prioritizes communication. Are you willing to communicate more frequently? If not, I need to think about if this is the right relationship for me.
Ultimatum - You need to respond to me right away when I text you. If you don't, this relationship is over.
The boundary is flexible and it opens avenues for communication. The ultimatum is about controlling the other person and is very final.
One of the biggest reasons you all have mentioned to me about why you don’t set boundaries is that it feels like you are telling the other person that you don’t care about them or that you are trying to push away the person you are setting a boundary with. Hopefully this reframe will help you.
Reframe for boundary setting
Boundaries are an attempt to keep the relationship going, but in a way where BOTH people feel safe, valued, and heard.
You deserve to feel safe, valued, and heard. Set boundaries in the relationships where this is not the case. It is up to them whether they step up or not, but at least your needs were communicated.
Since this subject is complicated I decided to make a part 2 for next week where we will cover the different types of boundaries and the steps for maintaining those boundaries when challenged.
Do you have a current scenario where you are struggling to set boundaries?
Respond to this email or meet me and the besties in the private discord where we discuss more in depth.