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- Is people pleasing a good behavior?
LET’S GROW
I want to start by saying that wanting others to be happy and caring about the well-being of others is a wonderful trait.
However, just like anything else, too much of a good thing can be bad. I want to help you stay you, but in a way that is kind to you as well. How do you know what a healthy amount of caring is?
This week I will define what people-pleasing is and how it affects our relationships. Next week we will discuss the signs of people-pleasing and how to stop. The following week I will break down the environments where it happens and give you tools to navigate that behavior.
We had some amazing back and forth with the besties in the Discord, so if you are looking for more support come join us!
What is people-pleasing?
People pleaser - a person who has an emotional need to please others, often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires
If you read that sentence and thought it sounded like a good thing, I want to give you a hug. Every so often you compromise with others, but if it’s always at your expense then that is an unhealthy dynamic.
You deserve to have your needs met too.
What causes someone to be a people pleaser?
An important note here is that people-pleasing isn’t a medical diagnosis or personality trait that psychologists measure, but we do have SOME idea of where it comes from.
Trauma - When you experience consistent trauma (e.g. abusive parents/partners, a car crash, even the pandemic) the response can be to fawn to maintain safety and diffuse the situation.
Low self esteem - When you don’t believe you matter, you also don’t believe your perspective of wants matter. They do….you just need to believe it (that was for me)
Anxiety - if you feel anxious about fitting in or controlling the image people have about you, people-pleasing can help control that narrative.
Inequity - If you are a part of a historically oppressed group, it can reinforce to you that your view matters less. (It doesn’t)
Fear of Conflict - If you acquiesce to the desires of the arguing party, that diffuses the situation.
Socialization - There can be cultural or communal expectations for your submission. For me, it was bullying. In my mind the quieter I was the safer I was. This turned out to make me more of a target.
Difference between People Pleasing and being kind
Often you will hear from people pleasers that they are just trying to be kind and kindness is a good thing. I agree that kindness is good, so how can you tell the difference?
When kind - you do things because it’s what you want to do. Your worth is not connected to it. You do it without the need for reciprocation
When people-pleasing - Doing kind actions out of fear or a feeling of obligation. Doing kind things with a transactional motive.
When you are of service in a healthy way, you take care of yourself first, so you then can be in service of others to the best extent possible.
Remember to put your mask on first.
Next week we will discuss how it affects us and our relationships and ways to stop - so make sure you subscribe!
