I was tired of having a victim mindset

I was holding me back immensely

Author

Chris Thompson
December 19, 2023

LET’S GROW

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Victim mentality is when you continue an abusive relationship you had previously, only now it’s with yourself.

Before I get further into this topic, I want to announce that in the new year we will be able to interact as a community. It will be available to subscribers only, when that becomes available next month. The interactions will happen on Discord, so if you want to learn about Discord or join my open community click here. Excited for this! Hop in the introduce yourself section and say hi!

To be clear, there is a big difference between being a victim of something and victim mentality. I will use my own story as an example, but, trigger warning, I am going to talk about SA.

I went to a party with someone in college and they kept giving me alcohol out of a private stash they had. I ended up blacking out and waking up with them on top of me; I was unable to move. I was not responsible for what that person did to me.

The frustrating part of that is I had to become responsible for cleaning up the damage that was done to me. For a long time, I did not do this. For a long time, I had a very negative mindset (understandably) about what had happened. For a long time, I was blind to how my choice not to focus on healing was hurting someone, but not the person who hurt me. Instead it was continually hurting me and the healthy relationships around me. 

This is when I took control of my victim mindset, immensely improving the quality of my own life.

So, what does victim mentality look like? 

All of their problems are blamed on things that are external - As much as it would be easier to not have to self-reflect…it’s important that we do.

They are draining to be around - Everything is so heavy, and they constantly rely on you for their well-being -it’s good to be supportive, but your healthy relationships won’t feel draining and will be balanced.

They hold onto grudges and refuse to forgive anyone - there is comfort in holding on to the anger you are used to.

They manipulate you to feel sorry for them - this causes you to abandon your needs for theirs.

They do nothing to better their situations but still constantly complain about them - if they fix the issue they won’t get the attention from it any more.

Drama follows them no matter where they go - this is by design. It helps give them something to draw more attention to themselves.

So how do we deal with victim mentality?

If you are someone with victim mentality:

Create small goals and achieve them - The more you accomplish, the better you feel, and you are less likely to play victim 

Turn your attention to giving - When you give to others, you are focused elsewhere. Helping others does good for the world and then causes you to feel good about yourself.

Make a gratitude list - This is just good all around advice. Focus on the things you have -  instead of the things you lack.

Get closure on past hurts - If you are holding on to hurts from the past, you can’t move on to happier moments. Forgive them for your own well-being and allow space for the positive.

Take ownership of your decisions - you can’t do anything about what has already happened. Own your part of it and learn from it. The more often you do this, the freer and more emotionally intelligent you can become.

If you are someone who is around someone with victim mentality:

First thing is don’t call them a victim - This just confirms what they already think, and they can attach to that phrase and victimize themselves further.

When they start acting out of victim mentality, don’t engage - The fires you don’t feed eventually burn out.

Encourage them when they accomplish even small things - This gives their brain a positive reward and they may continue.

If they refuse to change, then limit their access to you - yes, this includes relatives.

My hope in talking about this is to empower you and your relationships to be healthier and more positive. If you are looking to go more in depth respond to this email; I offer one on one coaching.

LET’S DISCUSS

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How have you overcome victim mentality?

Here are some of the the responses from Patreon supporters on Discord. Join us!

Challenge your mindset and have options!

Slow down and get clarity.

Focus on the good and what you are capable of.

LET’S LEARN

Sources

Victim mentality explained by a psychiatrist  

5 ways to lose the victim mindset

The difference between being a victim and having a victim mindset

10 signs someone is always playing the victim

How i stopped being a victim and reclaimed my life

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ON PERSONAL NOTE

This is a subject that is very sensitive to a lot of people. Any time I speak on these things, it’s from a place of empowerment not a place of judgment. It took me until I was almost 40 to start therapy and several more years until a lot of the lessons sunk in. Be patient with yourself, and please reach out if you have something to say or a question. I am here to listen.

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